Marcelo Aguirre

Dec 17, 2024

From Resisting Change to Flowing with Life

Inspired by the wise, ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus of Ephesus, François de La Rochefoucauld once said:

«The only constant in life is change.»

Paradoxically, however, we often live as though change were the exception. Resistance to change is a deeply human experience. We cling to what we know, even when it causes us pain, discomfort, or stagnation.

Those of us fortunate enough to be therapists, coaches, or seekers of personal growth have all encountered the paradox of desiring transformation while observing resistance to that very transformation—whether in our work supporting others or within our own development journeys. Why is it sometimes so difficult to make changes? How can we embrace life’s ever-changing nature instead of resisting it and—directly or indirectly—fighting against it?

The Frustration of False Security

Therapists often feel deep frustration when working with clients who want to change but remain attached to their old ways of functioning. Using a popular metaphor, people often cling to their problems as they cling to old coats because they can’t imagine who they would be without them. This phenomenon is frequently observed in therapeutic and personal development processes (Zeig et al., 1990).

This reveals the false emotional security we often find in the familiar, even when it no longer serves us and brings more harm than good to our lives. As seekers of personal growth, we learn to recognize patterns that hold us back—a toxic relationship, unhealthy habits, or self-limiting beliefs—and we struggle to let them go. Why is it so hard to leave these harmful patterns behind? Because change requires stepping into uncertainty, a place our minds often associate with danger. It can feel easier to remain in the discomfort of the known than to take a chance on the unknown, even if the unknown holds the promise of transformation and liberation.

Resisting change manifests in subtle ways, such as procrastination, excessive rationalization, or an inner voice whispering: “Maybe I’m not ready yet.” For therapists and clients alike, this dance between wanting change and resisting it is familiar, though it must be said, often exasperating. Overcoming the fear and resistance to change requires patience, introspection, and a firm willingness to transform the underlying emotions that feed the resistance.

The Roots of Resisting Change

Resistance to change often arises from fear. Fear of what? Fear wears many masks: fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and even fear of success can paralyze us.

Neuroscience shows that our brains are wired to conserve energy and maintain balance—homeostasis. Change disrupts this balance, demanding tremendous energy, effort, attention, and adaptability, which can overwhelm the brain (Doidge, 2007).

Additionally, our identity and sense of self are often intertwined with the reality to which we’re accustomed. This is why leaving behind old patterns can feel like giving up a part of ourselves. For example, someone who has always been a caregiver for others might resist setting boundaries because it challenges their sense of self-worth: «I am valuable because I care for others.» Similarly, someone with high achievement standards might resist slowing down to relax and enjoy life, fearing their value will diminish: «I am valuable as long as I stay competent and productive.»

The fear of “ceasing to be ourselves” when embracing change is amplified by certain cultural narratives that idolize the stability of the known and the certainty of the predictable. We are often told we must find our “place” in the world as if life were a set of fixed coordinates. But life is not a fixed destination; it is a journey that constantly changes and evolves. Recognizing that movement is the nature of reality can help us let go of the illusion of permanence and gradually release our fearful resistance to change.

Embracing Universal Impermanence

In Buddhist philosophy, resistance to change is seen as a source of suffering. The Buddha taught that all things are impermanent, and clinging to the transient will not stop change but will instead create unnecessary pain. Reality itself invites us to accept the natural flow of life, which is constantly changing and often unpredictable. In fact, nothing would exist as we know it without constant change and movement. As you read these words, the smallest subatomic particles in every object in the universe are shifting, as are the largest galaxies.

While we cannot control the fact that things change, we can choose to create or assign meaning to that change. On this subject, Pema Chödrön (2010, p. 63) offers this simple yet wise reflection:

«Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.»

Once again, the more we resist change, the more we prolong our suffering. By contrast, when we embrace change, we open ourselves to growth, freedom, and transformation.

Imagine you decide to step into a river. You are far from the shore at some point, standing in a fast current, clinging with all your strength to a rock. The current pushes against you, and you exhaust yourself, trying to resist it. How long can you hold on? But if you let go of the rock, you can allow yourself to flow with the river, letting the current carry you effortlessly. You only need to stay afloat, keep breathing, and move with the flow. Life is like that river, and resistance to change is like clinging to the rock in the middle of the current. The current is inevitable; resisting it will only exhaust you, and eventually, the current will carry you away anyway.

Letting go requires trust—trust in life's process and our ability to adapt. This trust in the flow of reality can be cultivated through concrete practices that empower us and remind us of our innate resilience.

Seven Steps to Overcome Resistance to Change

Overcoming excessive resistance to change requires self-compassion, courage, and committed action. Here are seven concrete steps you can take to soften your resistance to change:

1. Recognize Your Resistance

Awareness is the first step. Ask yourself:

What am I resisting?
What fears or beliefs keep me trapped in false security?
Who would I be without the resistance that keeps me stuck?

Acknowledging your resistance instead of denying it reduces its power and creates space within you for curiosity and exploration. Resistance is not something to be ashamed of; it is a teacher showing you where you need to grow.

2. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Many people resist change because they judge themselves harshly. Instead, why not treat yourself with kindness? As Dr. Kristin Neff (2011, p. 13) says,

«Self-compassion is simply accepting yourself with an open heart and treating yourself with the same kindness and care you would show to a good friend.»

Resistance to change is part of being human. It’s okay to open up and soften gradually, honoring your own pace.

3. Take Small Steps

Big changes can feel overwhelming, so starting small is often better. Break your goals into manageable steps and celebrate every victory. Small achievements build momentum and strengthen your confidence.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to remain present with curiosity and openness, without judgment. When you feel resistance arise, observe it without criticizing yourself. Notice where you feel it in your body—perhaps as tension in your chest, discomfort in your stomach, or a headache—and breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling with the intention of recognizing and releasing that sensation.

5. Reframe Fear

Instead of viewing change as a threat, consider it an opportunity. Ask yourself:

What could I gain by embracing this change?
How might this change enrich or bring new meaning to my life?
What strengths or lessons could I gain from this experience?

6. Lean on Others

The most challenging changes are easier to navigate with the right support. Share your journey with trusted friends, a therapist, or a support group. Allowing yourself to show vulnerability in a safe space fosters connection and strengthens your determination to change and adapt to new horizons.

7. Embrace the Process

Change is rarely a single event; it is often a continuous process. Appreciate and celebrate your progress, no matter how modest it may seem. Each step forward, big or small, is valuable.

***

Ultimately, embracing change means trusting the natural flow of life. As Alan Watts (2011, p. 41) beautifully put it:

«The only way to make sense of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.»

You are invited to let go of the rock you are clinging to out of fear. You are invited to flow with the river of life. You are invited to trust the process, however bewildering it may sometimes seem. Remember, change is a fact to accept, not an enemy to fight. The true enemies are unnecessary resistance, mental rigidity, and a lack of trust in the process—the fear that manifests as excessive control, compulsive avoidance, or stagnation in the familiar discomfort. We free ourselves to grow and unlock our full potential by learning to flow.

Until next time,